forgive me for not being gay.

today i almost opened my mouth to say that i dont have any male friends who who haven’t tried to or don’t secretly want to feel me up.  which would suck if it was true because male company is so damn cool.  especially at spelman, i became aware of the male vibe, and how much cooler it can be than the the female vibe.  i prefer women over men–always and forever– but i think everybody wants to feel close to a member of the opposite sex.

i’ve always had trouble with male “friends”.  my very first best guy friend used to tell me how sexy my lips were and try to press my body up against the wall after band practice.  looking back, the same things that attracted us to each other as friends attracted us to each other in more physical ways.  which is pretty much always the case.

this past weekend i bitterly expressed to another of my “best” guy friends that the reason i havent been calling him is because i’m tired of never being able to befriend men without them trying to touch me.  he asked me to forgive him for not being gay. 

despite my complaining, there is one particular guy who has only tried to be there for me.  i’m always suspicious of why he still deals with me, considering that i am both dismissive of him and irritable with him.  i’ve known him since i was eleven, and he’s always treated me with the same tenderness, despite my moodiness.  he patiently taught me to play spades even though i was and still am a habitual renigger. he’s never asked me for anything, but to return his texts and calls. and i dont.  which further affirms that i am at the center of a lot of the “problems” i complain about. shucks.

today i was also served a very hard cookie to eat: my sister informed me that i am not truly single, as long as i have emotional attachments to people.  and– there’s nothing wrong with emotional attachments to people unless you are telling yourself that you are focusing on developing your own passions and selfhood.  which i am.  it was hard to believe that even though i’ve been thinking i’m focusing fully on myself, i’m not. not all the way.   i cant remember the last time all of my happiness came from myself and God.  maybe it never has.  but i want to experience that kind of happiness–it’s the most lasting and fulfilling.  i have to be married to loneliness.  i need it close enough for me to it’s cologne. 

truly single means that i cant hold onto some love thing for dear life because i’m afraid of what thoughts might pop into my head once loneliness sets in.  as a writer, i’m really no starnger to loneliness.  i have lots of great friends, but i spend most of my time inside my own head.  loneliness is my friend.  with him, i can be myself. 

yoehzer told me to pray for sustenance instead of a job.  so i’m doing just that, and in the meantime i feel my life changing.  God has recently been stripping my life of a lot of the people and things that i thought were most important to me; but its all being replaced with more amazing people and things.  for the very first time since i can remember, i’m about to embark on a journey that is completely my own.  no unhealthy emotional attachments are coming along.  resentment can keep its ass at home.  chinedu asked me how to be high off life and i told him the answer is God.  i’m feeling so high that i literally feel like i’m about to fly away.

i’m writing my first official song tonight and i’m obsessed with it.  i’m crazy about it.  i’m singing it over and over and visualizing people loving it as much as i do.

somebody blow a kiss to me.

kisses to girls like arlissa and jojo.

love to all the guys who had swagger before the word entered youthland with weapons of mass destruction.

peace to the middle east.