male or female, you have to be a whore to be on the real world.

i did absolutely nothing today, which would have been great except that i spent all day thinking about all of the things that i should be doing.  i wish that i would have just relaxed, and enjoyed an entire day of reality television in peace.  but i fretted, and felt like a piece of shit. scum. a lephor on society.  nothing to offer but top notch critique on the whorish tendencies and hypocrisy of Jonna, Emilee, and Aiyiia on The Real World. (jokes aside, if anyone would like to discuss this further, email me at allaisia@gmail.com …i’ll be more than happy to oblige). 

joblessness has succeeded in making me feel less than.  i’ve been fighting it, but i’ve been forced to doubt all that i’ve ever been and all that i’ve ever done.  there may be such a thing as having too much time to think.  each day, my mind runs the same gamut:

1.  why didn’t i go straight to grad school?

2.  why did i go to college at all?

3.  what time’s Wife Swap coming on?

then i repeat.  same three thoughts. again, again, again.

my cousin spent the day doing nothing with me.  i love her because she laughs heartily at everything i say.  also, because she handles tough situations with such grace.  i asked her today how she copes.  she admitted that she really doesn’t.  she just finds herself going on.  i knew exactly what she meant.  because isn’t that everyone’s favorite thing to say? :  life goes on.  i’ve certainly embraced that, because every day my eyes open, i fix breakfast, i search for jobs, i reply to text messages, i shop for groceries, i clean, i change diapers, and then i get back in the bed.  so i’m definitely making it.  but i’m not sure if i’m really living.

then i’m asking myself: why not?  and i immediately think of how i’m being ungrateful.  because ungratefulness is usually the source of my sadness and depression.  i thought a lot about faithlessness.  we all suffer from it, but it disturbs me that i suffer from it so often.  each time God brings me through a troublesome situation, i vow to myself that if He could bring me through that then He could bring me through anything.  and i vow to never doubt that He’s working things out in my life for the best again.

but the nagging question causing me to doubt myself and my life is this: how could not having a job be for the best? 

i spoke to a woman weeks ago who told me that she stayed at home with her daughter and her college degree for a year after her daughter was born.  she didnt have complete financial freedom, but she got to bond with her daughter and watch her daughter grow in a way that couldn’t have been achieved if she had been coming home everyday dog tired from a nine to five that couldn’t have paid her enough to miss her daughter’s first steps anyway.

i had my daughter in the first semester of my senior year of college.  i took a huge courseload second semester to make up for the semester that i missed to give birth.  she was three months when i went back to school.  i worked on the days when i didnt have class and on the weekends i struggled to catch up on the work that i didnt finish during the week.  so my daughter spent an enormous amount of time with other people.  i was constantly afraid that even though i was there, i was missing her. 

two days ago, my daughter walked for the first time.  i’m starting to feel like the feeling of joblessness could never stand up to the fact that i will always be able to say that i saw my daughter take her first steps, and she was walking to ME.  i know what that woman meant when she said that the first year of a child’s life is so important, and while it sucks to worry about money, it feels great to be a mother.  feels great to not have to ask anyone else what she did all day, because i know.  i was there.  i have some big plans for the future, and one thing i can already feel myself regretting is that i have only myself to depend on, and i’m going to have to grind to get her the things she needs–and that may mean that i dont get to spend as much time with her as i would like.  i’m sure i’ll reminisce on these jobless days wishing i could come back.

and after thinking about all of this, of course i feel silly and faithless and i begin to really feel like i can’t afford to not have a job AND to not have any faith.  so i start picking up some of the faith i threw on the floor a few weeks back once i realized that no one was calling me back about my meticulously crafted resume.

aside from that, i’ve always begged God for more time to write.  and i’m working on some really great stuff.  God is working and i can’t quite understand what is happening but thats what faith is all about.  i feel like if i dont get some faith soon, when God’s plan for me becomes clearer, I’m going to feel extra lame–as if my life is taunting me, saying i told you so.  and so that’s how i plan to “cope”. with faith and patience, and gratitude for blessings that havent even manifested yet.

i hope nobody judges me if i forget all of this by tomorrow.  epiphanies come to me back to back; it’s the real live application that sometimes escapes me.  it’s hard to have faith when there’s nothing but old reciepts in your wallet and you’re already on the dreaded next-to-last diaper.

i’ve gotten some really positive feedback lately, and i appreciate every single word.  people have also been asking me for advice which flatters me beyond belief, especially since i spend a great deal of my time feeling like i’m a mess myself.  i do have a story, though, and it gives life to my life to help people with their lives, no matter how honest and forthright it requires me to be about my own. God has removed so many distractions from my life and i feel more devoted than ever to sharing and caring.    

i hope that people continue to feel safe sharing with me.  especially if sharing involves a job opening

allaisia@gmail.com

kisses to all the girls who stll make baby hair.

love to all the guys who hate when girls text “K” instead of “okay”.

peace to the middle east.